Here are some funny Christmas jokes that’ll hopefully make your holiday season a little more merry.
Jokes about Santa
Who is Santa’s favorite male singer?
Elf-is.
What is red, white and green?
Santa after eating too many cookies.
What’s red white and blue around Christmas time?
Santa after his favorite show gets cancelled.
What was Santa’s nickname after leaving the home without his pants on?
Saint Knicker-less.
How is Santa Claus able to navigate through even the worst of storms?
He uses his “raindeer” to guide the sleigh.
What is Santa’s favorite salty snack?
Crisp Pringles.
What is the crossover story featuring Sherlock Holmes and Santa Claus called?
Santa Clues.
How much money did Santa Claus spend to buy his sleigh?
Not a cent; it was on the house.
What was Mrs. Claus’ maiden name?
Mary Christmas.
Where does all of Santa’s money go?
He has to pay off his jingle bills.
What comes after a Christmas concert?
Santapplause.
What is Santa’s favorite Olympic event?
The Pole vault.
What is Santa’s native tongue?
Polish.
What is Mrs. Claus’ favorite type of makeup?
Nail pole-ish.
What do you call a punk kid who disbelieves in Santa Claus?
A rebel without a Claus.
What do you get when you combine Scrooge with Santa Claus?
Saint Nickel-and-Dime.
How many presents do you think Santa Claus can fit into his empty sack?
Just one. The sack stops being empty once you add something to it.
How do kids always seem to know when Santa Claus has visited their house?
They can sense his presents.
What does Santa Claus know about martial arts?
He has a black belt in Taekwondho-ho-ho!
Why does Santa favor chimneys?
They soot him best.
What happens if Santa goes down an active chimney?
You get a crisp Kringle.
What do you call the fear of Santa?
Claustrophobia.
What is Santa’s favorite hip hop song?
“Nice Nice Baby.”
Which of Santa’s reindeer has the cleanest record?
Comet.
What is Santa’s favorite fruit?
Pear noel.
What is the religion connected to Santa Claus called?
Santaria.
Why does Santa never go to the hospital?
He has private elf care.
Jokes about Santa’s Elves
What is an elf’s favorite type of music?
Wrap music.
Where does Santa get his elves from if he lives in the North Pole?
Gnome, Alaska.
What is the first thing Santa’s elves are taught in school?
The elf-abet.
What happens to problematic elves in Santa’s workshop?
They get the sack.
What car is the favorite of Santa’s elves?
A Toyota.
How would you describe an elf who won the lottery?
Welfy.
Instead of dynamite, what do the elves use to clear avalanches up in the North Pole?
Tannen-bombs.
Jokes about Christmas Trees
Where does a Christmas tree belong?
Between Christmas two and Christmas four.
Which month out of the year is the most frightful for a Christmas tree?
Sep-timber.
What did the decorated Christmas tree say to the bare one?
“Oh will you lighten up already?”
What is the traditional beaver greeting to a Christmas tree?
Nice gnawing you.
Why does your dad always ask his barber about Christmas trees?
The guy knows everything there is to know about getting a trim.
Jokes about Animals
Did you know that there is a species of stingray that lives in the North Pole?
It is called the Santa ray.
Which of Santa’s reindeer knows Morse code?
Dasheer.
What do you call decorations made for reindeer?
Hornaments.
Why are reindeer horrible at picnics?
They are walking ant-lures.
What happens when you pair a polar bear with a Christmas tree?
You get a fur tree.
What do furious rodents mail each other in December?
Cross-mouse cards.
What is the best key for performing in a Nativity play?
A don-key.
What is the horse’s name in the song “Jingle Bells?”
Bob.
Why does Santa never put his reindeer up for auction?
They are too deer to him.
Which of Santa’s reindeer has the most trophies?
It is a tie between Dancer and Prancer.
What do you tell a reindeer with tinsel in its ears?
Whatever you want, it cannot hear you.
What did the reindeer say to the elf?
Nothing because reindeer cannot speak.
What is the preferred activity of ornaments?
Hanging out.
Why did the Christmas goose refuse to cross the road?
It was not a chicken.
Which of Santa’s reindeer has an attitude problem?
Rude-olph.
Why did Rudolph’s grades suffer?
He went down in History.
What is green, croaks and always seems to be covered in tree decorations?
A mistle-toad.
Why should you never trust a Christmas tree to knit you something?
It always drops its needles.
How do waterfowl get ready for Christmas?
They duck the halls.
Jokes about Snowmen
What does a snowman eat to warm up?
Chili.
How does a snowman get around?
By icicle.
You may have heard of snowmen and snowwomen, but why not snowkids?
Because little snowpeople are called chill-dren.
What does a snowman use to play a guitar?
An ice pick.
What is sung at Frosty’s birthday?
“Freeze a jolly good fellow.”
Why did Frosty the Snowman visit the produce aisle?
He wanted to pick his nose.
What is a snowman’s favorite breakfast food?
Ice Krispies cereal.
What do you call a snowman on a tropical vacation?
Puddles.
Why do snowmen eat so much cake?
They love the frosting.
Why did the snowman save his money in the Caribbean?
He wanted to have a slush fund.
What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
What does a snowman drink from?
A chillice.
What is a snowman’s favorite food?
Either an iceberger with extra freeze or a brrritto.
What is the biggest problem with a vampire snowman?
The risk of frostbite.
Why are snowmen so good at cutting meat?
They know all about cold cuts.
Why do so many snowmen love to eat Mexican food?
They really like en-chill-adas.
Where do fiscally responsible snowmen keep their money?
In a snow bank.
What do you call the money paid to free a criminal snowman?
Snow bail.
What is a snowman’s least favorite day of the week?
Sunday.
Miscellaneous Jokes for the Season
What is a gingerbread man’s favorite bedroom accessory?
Cookie sheets.
What happens when an iPad smashes into a Christmas tree?
You get a pineapple.
Why does the special Christmas alphabet only have 25 letters?
Because there is “no L.”
Why would anyone elope on Christmas eve?
So that the couple can have a married Christmas!
What is the best thing about hanging Christmas lights in an Italian home?
You never have to bother taking them down again.
How did Jesus’ parents manage to figure out his birth weight?
They had him weighed in a manger.
What’s the sentence for a criminal whom is caught stealing an Advent calendar?
25 days.
How did Scrooge manage to get the winning goal in a football game?
The Ghost of Christmas passed.
What is the condition that arises from chewing on Christmas decorations called?
Tinsilitis.
Why do pianists love Christmas so much?
They love to go Christmas Chopin.
What is Darth Vader’s favorite part of Christmas dinner?
The dark meat.
What instrument is common in jungle Christmas music?
Jungle bells.
Which type of athlete is the warmest on Christmas?
Long jumpers.
What do merfolk sing around Christmas time?
Christmas corals.
Why does rope never get a present?
It is always knotty.
How does King Wenceslas like to order his pizza?
Deep pan, crisp and even.
Where does fame-seeking mistletoe go?
Holly-wood.
What is the most competitive time of the year?
Win-ter.
What do mummies have to like about Christmas?
All of the wrapping.
What is The Grinch’s least favorite musical group?
The Who.
Why does Scrooge loathe pasta?
It costs a pretty penne.
What is the best thing to put into a Christmas desert?
Your teeth.
What one Christmas present is unmatched?
You can never beat a broken drum.
What sort of criminal decides to hide within a bakery around Christmastime?
A mince spy.
Athletes can get athlete’s foot but elves can’t. What do they get instead?
Mistle toe.
What do you call a performer who only sings and dances about Christmas food?
A mince-trel.
Why are Advent calendars always so hard to find?
Their days are numbered.
Who robs decorations from the rich in order to give them to the poor?
Ribbon Hood.
What should you always hope for when it comes to a Christmas turkey dinner?
Merry Crispness.
Why did the North Pole wind up having to buy its water?
Because they have no well, no well at all!
How does Christmas Day always end?
The same as any other day, with the letter Y.
I was hoping to get a Weird Al album for Christmas, but what did I get instead?
“No Al.”
How do you avoid getting into an argument with a baker over Christmas dinner?
Don’t mince your words.
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